Shortest Matches In SummerSlam History

Hey, you can get a lot done in under three minutes.

It’s almost August and with it comes the hot weather, bbq’s, vacations and staying inside while being filled with a depressive mindset that hinders your every ambition. Also with August’s arrival is “The Biggest Party of the Summer”, which means that we get one of the big four pay-per-views in WWE’s arsenal.

And much like the summer (at least for school children or people in Arctic climates) it’s here and gone like that. But just because something is short doesn’t mean it can’t be satisfactory. Right? Wrestling fans? Ladies?

Anyways I’m counting down the shortest SummerSlam matches but remember what comes in short passages of times can be entertaining. Seeing as I don’t have tons of time like you unemployed jabronis this’ll be an easy list to research.

#10. Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Yokozuna, 1996: 1:52

A matchup between one of the flag bearers of the Attitude Era and a heel of gigantic proportions from the New Generation.

Steve Austin does a hall of fame job of selling Yokozuna’s offense after giving his a double dose of middle fingers. After a barrage of strikes and a Samoan Drop ‘Zuna drags the Texas Rattlesnake to the corner of the ring perform his Banzai Drop only to have his massive frame tear down the top turnbuckle as he began to climb.

As the big man falls Austin rolls up the sumo to get the win.

#9. Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens, 2018: 1:50

A squash match in the truest sense the stipulation for this match was that Braun Strowman’s Money In The Bank briefcase was up for grabs with Owens able to snatch it with a victory.

Strowman ran roughshod over Owens both in and out of the ring. KO’s only offense was a super kick that did not phase Braun and after a running power bomb it was all over.

Strowman would cash in on Universal Champion Roman Reigns at Hell In A Cell that September but interference from Brock Lesnar turned the cash in into a no contest. El oh el.

#8: Finn Bálor vs. Baron Corbin, 2018: 1:35

The 2018 edition of SummerSlam had more than one quick match and much like the previous fight, it didn’t last long.

Corbin got in zero offense against The Demon. Bálor took the future king onto the outside and after hitting him with a few sling blades threw him back into the ring for the pin and win.

Since Bálor won the first Universal Championship and relinquished it because of injury he would go on to challenge them current champ Roman Reigns.

#7: Matt Hardy vs Mark Henry, 2008: 0:33

The first match on our list that was for a world championship and lasted about as long as the existence of a line of coke on a Motley Crue tour bus. It was the rebranded ECW championship but eh, it’s still a world championship.

Right after the bell rang Hardy hit the Twist of Fate and immediatly covered the ECW champion but Henry’s manager Tony Atlas pulled at the future Broken Matt Hardy causing a disqualification. And since the title couldn’t change hands via a dq Henry retained.

Hardy would get a rematch on the next episode of NXT but would lose because of Atlas’ inteferrence.

#6: The Ultimate Warrior vs. The Honky Tonk Man, 1988: 0:31

Coming into the inaugural SummerSlam The Honky Tonk Man was enjoying a 454 day reign as the Intercontental Champion. Originally the champ was to face rival Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake but a change in rivalries left Honky with a “mystery opponent” come the ppv.

With a mic in hand and in the middle of the SummerSlam ring the grappling Elvis tribute talked some mess about how he didn’t give two shits who he faced. All of a sudden The Ultimate Warrior blasted thru the tunnel and pinned the champion faster than Chucky pinned that voodoo priest in Child’s Play.

The Warrior’s trajectory would blast his star into the strastiphere while Honky would slide down the card faster than Fandango.

#5: Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan, 2005: 0:25

Kicking off a SummerSlam headlined by the Hulk Hogan/Shawn Michaels debacle in which HBK sold more than the PS5 this match lasted as long as it takes for me to microwave gummy bears.

Of course when dealing with mentioning Benoit matches online it tends to divide more people than the politics of Cyprus.

All it took for The Rabid Wolverine to win the United States Championship was a German Suplex and the Crippler Crossface.

Jordan would get multiple rematches with Benoit with all ending the same way as this SummerSlam match.

#4: Randy Orton vs. Rusev, 2017: 0:10.

Our first entry in the WWE Network era. Orton was coming off a losing effort in a bland Punjabi Prison match for the WWE title at the previous Battleground ppv. With nothing to do and Rusev issuing an “open challenge” at that year’s SummerSlam The Viper graciously accepted.

The future Miro would attack The Legend Killer before the match. Once the ref determined that Orton was good to go he would give The Bulgarian a good RKO and pin him for the win.

Rusev would return the favor on the September 19th episode of SmackDown defeating Orton in ten seconds as well.

#3: Randy Orton vs. Daniel Bryan, 2013: 0:08.

With the longest match of the night Daniel Bryan would defeat John Cena to win the WWE Championship with Triple H as the guest referee.

As Randy Orton would run into the ring to cash in his Money In The Bank HHH would Pedigree Bryan and the debiltated American Dragon would lose his title moments after winning it from Cena.

Triple H turning heel would culminate in The Authority vs. Daniel Bryan storyline which led to the Yes Movement and Bryan’s historic win at next year’s Wrestlemania.

Money In The Bank cash-ins are kind of a cop out in terms of this list but screw it. Wikipedia lists them as matches on the card.

#2: Christian vs. William Regal, 2009: 0:07

In the leadup to SummerSlam actor Jeremy Piven would refer to the ppv as, “Summer Fest”. If it were up to me we should change the name for the sake of pop culture integrity.

So after ingesting vast quantities of sushi until I’m filled with more lead than Sonny in The Godfather I got back to reality and watched the match.

With the ECW title on the line Regal came to the ring with Ezekiel Jackson and Vladimir Koslov, to dethrone the current champ.

As Regal removed his coat, Christian would hit the Killswitch to retain. Jackson, Koslov and Regal would then proceed to beat up Christian.

A well received ppv would be marred by a universally panned ECW match.

#1: Alberto Del Rio vs. CM Punk, 2011: 0:05

CM Punk and John Cena matched off in the main event for the Undisputed WWE Championship with Punk winning in controversial style.

As Punk raised his title in the air Kevin Nash came out and Jackknifed Powerbombed the straight-edge superstar. While incapacitated Alberto Del Rio would rush in and cash in his Money In The Bank contract. He proceded to step-up enziguri Punk and pinned him for the win.

So despite a match that lasted as long as a hook up between Bayley and I a potential Nash/Punk feud wouldn’t come to fruition. Nash would not be medically cleared because of the Plavix (preventative heart medication) in his system and WWE wouldn’t let him near a full-time return.

Punk would later go on to feud with Triple H and eventually win the WWE Championship that November.

All images courtesy of WWE