AEW – Gloom, Doom & Dynamite (11th May 2021)
Photo Credit: AEW
Authors Note: This entire article is being written under undue stress, regret and copious amounts of Seagram’s 7 & Parliament Cigarettes. I apologize in advance for absolutely nothing. This is the story (unfortunately) as it occured.
8:51pm: Well, here we are. I have but moments to spare to fill my first glass of Seagrams & Diet Mountain Dew. The fuel which will give me the ability to sit through the next two hours of my life as I attempt to cover AEW Dynamite for this wonderful audience. Stand by please…
My God…This is going to be an absolute s**t show and an assault upon an educated wrestling fans’ brain. But, f**k it. This is what I signed up for.
Five minutes before this awful tragedy begins and I cannot help but wonder, “How the hell did I get myself into this?” True, I began a wrestling podcast about a year ago and now here I am covering AEW’s premier weekly event for a viewing audience. I appreciate each and every one of you for reading this. I just never assumed I would reach these heights (or these lows).
But, my first cocktail is poured, my Boxer is watching out the window and I’m about to sit back and watch pro wrestling live for the first time in well over two years. Let’s see what happens, shall we?
Forced to observe the final 3 minutes of Captain America: Civil War. My God I miss the great days when Thunder In Paradise led into Monday Nitro. Oh, how times have changed.
Not that I recommend blended whiskey because most often it’s just alcoholic sugar water, but Seagrams and Diet Dew has become a go-to cocktail for yours truly. It just works. What can I say?
Tully Blanchard has arrived with The Pinnacle. Hall of Famer Jim Ross and Tony Schiavonie welcome us in to the show. But now, Well Past His Prime Matt Hardy is opening things up in the ring with two jabornis and is calling out Christian Cage, an even more underwhelming version of himself. So, I guess we are going ot have a match now.
Match #1-Angelico vs. Christian Cage
Collar and elbow into an arm bar. Exchange of arm bars. Christian Cage with a nice open hand clap to the face and a cheap corner ten count, ten punch. I feel so badly for Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone having to call this crap. The set sucks. The crowd is weak. A well past his prime has-been against some jackass no one knows about. But, hey? We all have to earn a paycheck, right?
Matt Hardy-Jeff Hardy=Lame.
The crowd is cheering for Christian (for some reason). An interesting submission hold attempted by his opponent. Angelico going to the mat. I actually like this. Pick a body part and go at it. I have no idea who this guy is but he’s at least trying to do things right. Too bad he is in the ring with a has-been like Christian Cage who is truly a never-was.
Decent wrestling match. Cage is trying to put his opponent over but he’s so damn awful and his opponent is so damn young and inexperienced that it really doesn’t matter all that much.
Lame 2 count after a missile drop kick by Cage. We all know what is going on here…NOTHING WORTH WATCHING!
Plenty of near falls in this match but again, no one with two brain cells rattling together could be entertained by this garbage. Tony Schiavone, God bless him, is trying to hype this trash and so is JR. Kill Switch by Cage. 3 count.
Winner: Christian Cage
Matt hardy attempting to make himself relevant with a Twist of Fate. My God. Just retire Matt! You were never entertaining.
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